Florida's Corporate Cock-Block: When Billionaires Write Your Employment Laws
Florida's Corporate Cock-Block: When Billionaires Write Your Employment Laws
Sweet screaming hell, we've reached peak corporate capture. While most states are telling non-competes to go fuck themselves, Florida just handed Ken Griffin a four-year golden leash for his employees. Because nothing says "business-friendly" like trapping your workforce in legal quicksand.
The Beautiful Clusterfuck: CHOICE Act Edition
Meet the "Contracts Honoring Opportunity, Investment, Confidentiality, and Economic Growth" Act - because when you're screwing workers, you need an acronym that sounds like freedom. This magnificent bastard of a law lets employers lock up high earners for up to four years with non-competes that make medieval serfdom look progressive.
Here's the gorgeous part: Citadel's lobbyists literally helped write the fucking thing. Ken Griffin didn't just buy influence - he bought the entire legislative drafting process. It's like having McDonald's write food safety regulations, except somehow more obvious.
The Golden Handcuffs: How to Trap Talent in Style
The law targets workers making twice the local average wage - about $140,000 in urban areas - plus anyone with access to "confidential information." Translation: if you've seen the WiFi password, you're potentially fucked.
Under these beautiful new rules, departing employees get "garden leave" - which sounds peaceful until you realize you're stuck getting paid to do nothing while watching your career die in real time. You keep salary and benefits but lose bonuses, which in finance can be 70% of your actual compensation. It's like being fed gourmet meals while slowly starving.
The Legal Weaponization: Courts as Corporate Enforcers
Here's where it gets truly diabolical: courts MUST issue preliminary injunctions if employers cry breach. The burden falls on workers to prove with "clear and convincing evidence" they should be allowed to fucking work. That's a higher standard than most criminal cases.
So you want to leave your job? Cool. Hire a lawyer, spend six figures in legal fees, and maybe - just maybe - a judge will let you earn a living again. It's extortion with a gavel.
The Griffin Gambit: Wall Street South Rising
Ken Griffin has been crystal clear about his vision: turn Miami into "Wall Street South" and eventually overthake New York as America's financial hub. Step one? Make sure nobody can leave once they get there.
Citadel already extended some portfolio manager non-competes to 21 months - almost double the industry standard. Now they've got legal cover to go full medieval on employee mobility.
This isn't business strategy; it's economic hostage-taking with state sponsorship.
The Opposition: Everyone Who Isn't a Billionaire
Multiple think tanks begged DeSantis to veto this trainwreck, warning it would crush innovation and startup growth. Even the governor apparently didn't want his name on it - the bill became law through a rarely-used constitutional provision that let it pass without his signature.
Because nothing says "principled leadership" like letting corporate capture happen on autopilot.
The Federal Flip-Off: Timing Is Everything
This comes right after the FTC tried to ban non-competes nationwide, only to get blocked by federal courts in - surprise! - Texas and Florida. While California, Minnesota, and North Dakota are protecting worker mobility, Florida sprinted in the opposite direction toward maximum corporate dickery.
It's like watching one state choose the Matrix's blue pill while everyone else is trying to wake up.
The Billionaire's Playground: When Money Writes Laws
The most nauseating part? This isn't even subtle corruption. Griffin's people literally sat in legislative meetings helping craft language that benefits Griffin's business model. It's regulatory capture so blatant they should have livestreamed it with commentary.
Welcome to the new American dream: where billionaires don't just buy politicians, they rent the entire legislative process by the hour.
The Bottom Line: Feudalism Gets a Rebrand
Florida just created a legal framework that would make company towns jealous. High-skilled workers can now be economically imprisoned for four years, watching their careers atrophy while competitors advance.
They call it the "CHOICE" Act. The only choice workers get is which lawyer to hire when they want to escape.
Moral of the story: When hedge fund billionaires start writing employment law, maybe it's time to update your LinkedIn profile and book a flight to California. At least there, your boss can't legally own your future.
Filed under: Things that should be illegal but somehow aren't
P.S. - Still waiting for Citadel's next lobbying push: mandatory loyalty oaths and ankle monitors for anyone making over $100k. At this rate, Florida's employment contracts will come with their own prison uniforms.