Three Judges Just Handed Corporate America a Procedural Get-Out-of-Jail-Free Card Worth Billions
Three Judges Just Handed Corporate America a Procedural Get-Out-of-Jail-Free Card Worth Billions
Sweet merciful chaos, we just witnessed judicial procedure weaponized to protect subscription scams. The Eighth Circuit killed the FTC's "Click to Cancel" rule on Tuesday - six days before implementation - because the commission forgot to check a regulatory box. Not because the rule was bad law. Because paperwork.
Three conservative judges just told every BigLaw transactional team: your clients' predatory subscription models are safe. Keep billing those compliance hours, because consumer protection is officially dead by technicality.
The Procedural Clusterfuck That Killed Consumer Rights
Here's the beautiful legal maneuver: The FTC spent two years crafting this rule, reviewed 16,000 public comments, held hearings where industry begged them to preserve their golden goose. But they didn't publish a "preliminary" regulatory analysis under the Regulatory Flexibility Act - only a final one covering identical ground.
The judges admitted companies use "unfair and deceptive practices" but killed the rule anyway because businesses allegedly lacked "substantive consideration" in rulemaking. This from the same industries that deploy armies of K Street lawyers and spend millions on regulatory capture.
It's like claiming billionaires don't have enough access to Congress. The audacity is fucking breathtaking.
The Business Model That Just Got Judicial Protection
Internal Amazon documents called their cancellation process the "Iliad Flow" - a four-page, six-click, fifteen-option nightmare designed to break customer will. When Amazon's own analysis showed clarity improvements drove subscription numbers down, executives killed the fixes. They literally chose confusion over transparency because bewildered customers are profitable customers.
Stanford economists proved adding cancellation friction increases revenues 14% to 200%. Your corporate clients aren't just accidentally making things hard - they're hiring UX psychologists to weaponize frustration. And now they've got circuit court blessing to keep doing it.
The Defense Bar's New Playbook
Every transactional lawyer representing subscription businesses just got their Christmas bonus early. The Eighth Circuit basically ruled that if you can find any procedural flaw in agency rulemaking - no matter how technical - you can kill consumer protection on appeal.
Doesn't matter if the rule addresses obvious market failures. Doesn't matter if your clients are systematically screwing consumers. Find a missed filing deadline or skipped regulatory step, and judges will hand you a victory worth billions.
Already subscribed? Tap the ♥️ above if you’re enjoying this issue.
Not yet a member? Join here for free to unlock likes, briefs, and unredacted legal satire.
Want the full VIP experience? Upgrade below to laugh your legal ass off behind the velvet rope.