WELCOME TO UNFILTERED LEGAL HUMOR
Word from Editor
Law is hard. Laughing about it is therapy. If you’re here, you’re one of us: the overworked, the undercaffeinated, the ones who know damn well that "professionalism" is just something you fake until the jury leaves the room.
Legal LOLz Unfiltered is a private club-style satirical newsletter for lawyers who want the jokes raw, the sarcasm sharp, and the bar complaints nonexistent.
This isn’t your grandma’s newsletter. This is the Scotch-laced legal roast you never knew you needed. This is the velvet rope of legal satire.
If you like the preview issue below, tell no one. Just subscribe yourself and send it to a friend who won’t report us to the bar.
Walter
Editor-in-Law, Legal LOLz Unfiltered
LEGAL LOLZ UNFILTERED
Vol. 1 | For Lawyers Who Laugh Too Hard to Bill It
WTF LEGAL CHAOS: Dragon Gets Slayed By Judicial Flamethrower
HOLY MEDIEVAL MALPRACTICE, COUNSELORS!
Buckle up, Legal LOLz degenerates! We've got a case that's hotter than a summer associate after five tequila shots at the firm retreat!
So this absolute LEGEND of a lawyer, Jacob Perrone, starts his own firm called "Dragon Lawyers PC" in East Lansing, Michigan. And what does this magnificent bastard do? He slaps a MASSIVE purple cartoon dragon wearing a BUSINESS SUIT as a watermark on EVERY SINGLE PAGE of his court filings! We're talking BDE (Big Dragon Energy) on official federal court pleadings, people!
This wasn't some tiny little corner logo - this bad boy was DOMINATING the pages like a senior partner dominates the billable hours discussion. And the best part? He only spent $20 on this masterpiece! That's less than what most of us bill in 4 minutes or spend on our morning coffee! Talk about ROI!
Enter the fun police: U.S. Magistrate Judge Ray "Joy Killer" Kent, who apparently keeps his sense of humor locked in the same vault as his retirement account. His Honor got his judicial panties in such a twist that he struck THE ENTIRE FUCKING COMPLAINT! In his words - and I quote - "Use of this dragon cartoon logo is not only distracting, it is juvenile and impertinent. The Court is not a cartoon."
NEWSFLASH, YOUR HONOR: Have you SEEN some of the opinions coming out of the 9th Circuit? Cartoons would be an upgrade! 🤣
Poor Perrone had until May 5th to refile without his magnificent dragon. When asked about it, he admitted he "regrets putting it on the pleadings so prominently." TRANSLATION: "I regret nothing except getting caught." Legend status: CONFIRMED.
The real irony? This was a case about a jail inmate claiming officials were indifferent to an illness. You know what's ACTUALLY "indifferent"? Not appreciating legal filings that finally bring some joy to the soul-crushing monotony of federal practice!
The judicial order has already been dubbed "Exit the Dragon" by legal blogs, which is honestly the wittiest thing a legal blog has produced since... well, ever.
Listen up, lawyers - we've now established that federal courts have zero sense of humor and the fun ceiling is apparently somewhere between "navy blue suit" and "slightly lighter navy blue suit." What's next? Banning Comic Sans? (Actually, that one's fair.)
Pour one out for our fallen dragon warrior. He dared to dream of a legal world where court filings don't have to look like they were designed by undertakers with depression.
BOTTOM LINE: If you want to stand out as a lawyer, either win your cases or get a face tattoo - because apparently, creative watermarks are a bridge too fucking far for the federal judiciary!
WTF LEGAL NEWS: The Plastic-Fantastic Murder Mystery
HOLY SURGICAL SHITSTORM, BATMAN!
Listen up, Legal LOLz fam - the Pinellas doctor murder case has more twists than a drunk paralegal trying to explain hearsay exceptions. If this doesn't make you spit out your scotch, nothing will.
So this plastic surgeon Dr. Tomasz Kosowski (AKA "Doctor Tampa Bay" 🙄) is currently sitting in jail in his faded orange jumpsuit with his ass hanging in the judicial wind because - get this - his ENTIRE defense team just said "peace out, bro!" TEN FRIGGIN' DAYS before his death penalty trial! Talk about getting surgeon-ghosted! His lawyers pulled the ripcord faster than a first-year associate after mandatory weekend work.
This whole clusterfuck started with... wait for it... a medical billing dispute! That's right - Doc Tomasz apparently went from "I'll sue you over this invoice" to "I'll make you permanently disappear" real quick. The prosecution's theory is that Kosowski kidnapped attorney Steven Cozzi straight outta the bathroom at his law office (talk about catching a guy with his pants down!), and apparently wheeled him out in a cart like he was hauling medical waste.
The evidence is absolutely WILD:
Blood in the bathroom ✓
Creepy-ass surveillance footage ✓
A trunk full of sedatives, Tasers, and brass knuckles ✓
Oh, and $300K IN CASH! ✓✓✓
I mean, if you're gonna allegedly murder someone, maybe don't drive around with your "murder kit" and enough cash to buy a house in Ohio! That's like Murder 101 - don't keep the evidence AND the getaway money in the same place.
And get this! The body has NEVER BEEN FOUND! Prosecutors think he dumped poor Cozzi in a dumpster off U.S. 41. Cozzi's husband said he had a "bad feeling" about the doc and wanted security present at meetings. Talk about intuition - that guy should start selling legal psychic readings on the side!
The kicker? Kosowski is now trying to represent himself! LMFAO! 🤦♂️ Even Judge Bulone is like, "Bro, get a lawyer" while Kosowski sits there claiming he's "trying diligently." Yeah, and I'm "trying diligently" to finish this bottle of Macallan before noon, but some things just require actual effort!
If convicted, Kosowski's facing the ultimate malpractice consequence - lethal injection. From giving injections to getting one! Talk about career full circle.🤣
Stay tuned next week when we find out if Kosowski manages to conjure up a lawyer or if he'll be performing his own legal liposuction in court! Either way, this case is already uglier than that one time I saw opposing counsel in a Speedo at the firm retreat.💀😂
Courtroom Energy:
The courtroom is giving full “Legal Aid meets Breaking Bad.”
Prosecution’s theory? Rage, revenge, and a complete lack of chill.
Defense’s theory? We don’t know yet. Maybe "he was overmedicated from his own inventory" or "he thought the courtroom was a spa consult."
In a state where people throw gators through Wendy’s drive-thru windows, this might not even crack the top 10 wildest crimes of the week.
Satirical Cross-Examination We’d Pay to See:
PROSECUTOR: “Dr. Kosowski, why did you bring latex gloves, bleach, and a tarp to your deposition?”
DEFENDANT: “I thought we were doing a full body scrub... with a bonus disappearance package.”
Unfiltered Thoughts from the Legal Locker Room:
“Dude skipped mediation and went straight to murder. That’s a hell of a closing argument.”
“When your malpractice premium is high, but your impulse control is low.”
“Plastic surgeon by day. Alleged forensic cleaner by night. Somebody call Netflix.”
Note: All individuals are innocent until proven guilty, yada yada. But still - Florida Man’s final form may be a surgeon with a revenge folder and access to scalpels.
SUBMISSION OF THE WEEK: “Client said this, I swear”
Submitted anonymously by a solo in Texas
"Can you just like... give me a prenup but also say in it that if she cheats, I get the dog, the crypto, and her mom's boat?"
Response: Buddy, that’s not a prenup. That’s a revenge fantasy with legal stationery.
LEGAL LOLZ POWER RANKINGS: Who screwed up worst this week?
Dr. Kosowski - For treating murder like it was a 15-minute outpatient procedure.
Lawyer who filed ChatGPT hallucinated citations in court - Still happening. Still hilarious.
Client who brought weed to court and asked if he could light up outside - Inspiring confidence since... never.
This newsletter pairs well with: a strong pour of bourbon and the vague discomfort that someone in your firm might be capable of similar shenanigans!